I was watching an old episode of NCIS… I know, just stick with me on this. It’s going somewhere; I promise. So one of the characters gets a cancer diagnosis. The doctor makes it very clear how serious things are. “Do you have your life in order?”

Well, it may sound stupid, but it got me to thinking. Is my life in order?

We think of death as this sort of waypoint. A road sign we’re approaching. And we only treat it seriously when we see the turn off sign. As horrible as it to have cancer- and I’ve lost many family members to it- the biggest difference between that and a more ordinary or violent death, is that you usually see it coming.

But what if my life doesn’t go that way? Maybe I’ve got decades left in me. Maybe not. And if the worst should happen, have I done what I needed to? Have I said what needed to be said?

I’ve been thinking about it for days now and I haven’t arrived at an answer.

In a recent blog post, I talked about reaching out to someone. I’ll be honest. It was a woman I loved. I tried to get her back. And I failed. Or rather, I didn’t get her back. But I said what I needed to say. I’m good with it.

I also wrote a book. In the writing, I said things I hadn’t fully explored before. I mended a couple of old fences. And I exorcised a lot of old demons. Having done it, I feel so much better as a man.

I want to take a part of this year to explore some things in my life. Maybe things I’ve ignored, purposely or otherwise. Which probably consists of more than just telling people about my feelings. But that’s something I need to figure out as well.

Look, you can’t live your whole life as if today is your last. It isn’t practical. But we do have to be honest about our mortality. And ideally, we should be open and honest with the people we love.

You can’t control how you leave, but you can control how you live.