Today marks my 42nd birthday.

In a few hours my mom will be taking me for an annual birthday dinner (God bless her). I am expected to be celebratory, but I can rarely find that emotion in myself on birthdays. I can count the number of good birthdays on one hand. I would need some assistance to count the bad ones.

I tend to be reflective on this day. Especially now that I am in my forties. This has been an especially bad year, and trust me, that says a lot coming from me.

I watch the people I love move on and no matter how hard I try, I feel myself falling behind.

I’m not one of those people who is content with failure. I don’t have it in me to give up. I’ve been living with depression for over 30 years and I know that you can’t lay down. You have to get up no matter how much it hurts. And it really hurts right now.

But I’ll get up. I’m not the man I want to be. And if I don’t get up, I’ll never be that man.

So goodbye to the girl who callously broke my heart. Goodbye to the failures and the setbacks. Goodbye to all the people who don’t care enough. Goodbye to all the pain that life brings on the good people in the world.

And here’s to one more trip around the sun. May it start shining again.

This is 42. This is me.