SURRENDER TO THE WIND

Every year, I try to make what you might call “New Years Resolutions”. I don’t call them that, because people never actually do those. Not for long anyway. And most people forget about them. The original version of this was me finding somewhere quiet with a friend and a drink and discussing where we’ve been in the last year and where we want to go. I stopped doing the live version years ago and moved it online. Honestly, I’d love to bring that version back.

Anyway, the point is to not become complacent. What did me in 2023 hope to accomplish? Did I do it? And what do I want to accomplish in 2025?

My goals for 2024 were to focus on my writing, photography, relationships, mental health and physical health.

My writing was a mixed bag this year. I did not accomplish much in that department. My overall goal for 2024 was to get things done. I got a lot done, but not what I originally wanted or expected. I did publish my new book, Lies We Tell Ourselves. However, very little of that book was written this year. It’s an anthology of short stories I’ve written over the last twenty years. It is an accomplishment and it is one that I am proud of… but it doesn’t meet the requirements of my goals.

My photography was also a mixed bag. I certainly did more shooting this year as I became the Assistant Archival Photographer to Jason Lanier on the Jazzland Project. I took up drone photography and an attempting to learn drone videography. There is a lot to be proud of there, and I am. What I just described is an accomplishment by any realistic standard. But I wanted to do a big portrait shoot this year. Something wholly designed and shot by me. I didn’t get that. It’s okay. As CM Punk says, there’s always next year.

In regards to my relationships… I didn’t go on any dates this year. BUT… I did exceed my wishes in one way. I tried to get back the girl I loved, knowing she would probably reject me. I leapt in with bold moves and my whole heart and put it all out there. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s something to be proud of. And I think I did a better job of reaching out to my friends and taking photos with them.

My mental health is pretty damn good for me. Arguably better than it has ever been. Oh, I’m still nuts. I struggle often. And I would benefit from having a good woman to walk the path beside me. But the last two years have fixed a lot of what was wrong with me. Well, maybe fixed is the wrong word. But I’m headed in a better direction.

My physical health… well. It’s okay. I have lost more weight. Not as much as I need to, but considering I didn’t try that hard this year, I’m okay. I lost enough that I was able to ride Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey at Universal Orlando. I haven’t been slim enough to get on that thing in TEN YEARS. So good. Not great. But good.

So 2025.

I had a realization recently. A silly one, actually. Or obvious. Life never goes as you plan. I’m a strange man and I lead a life that is bizarre at the best of times. I try to fight it. I try to be what I think I want to be… or at least the man I think I am supposed to be. And it doesn’t work.

Take the girl I mentioned. I spent the last few years trying to forget her. Trying to convince myself that I didn’t care. I was trying to hold back the tide with my bare hands. It didn’t work. Of course it didn’t. Who you love isn’t logical and sometimes it isn’t healthy. But sometimes, in order to move on, you have to embrace your feelings and deal with the consequences. I did that. I got wholly rejected, but I regret nothing. I am a better man for it.

I realized that it’s time I stopped trying to be what I or others think I am supposed to be.

I’m surrendering to the wind.

This year I did a lot of things that conventional wisdom says are foolish. I didn’t do them all on my own. I have several people to thank. But I did them.

I’ll do my best to live somewhat responsibly. But… I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to spend whatever time I have left living it on my terms.

So that’s my 2025 goal. Surrender to the wind. Let’s see where it takes me.

…also I should probably go on a date.

“I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.” -Hoban Washburne