44

I’m 44 years old today.

I’m sitting at my desk, waiting for the day to end. At which point, I will get up, say goodbye to whoever is there and walk out of this building for the last time.  And then I will be jobless.

My Mother wants to make a big deal.  She wanted to take me to lunch and dinner to celebrate my birthday.  While I couldn’t get out of dinner, I said no to lunch.  There’s nothing here worth celebrating.

Earlier this year, I thought my life was taking a change for the better. I’d moved past my thoughts of depression and suicide, though the underlying issues remain.  I got to do some traveling.  I worked on a big photography project that I can’t talk about with Jason Lanier.  I even met my hero, J. Michael Straczynski.  I also finished writing a book I’ve been working on for more than 15 years. I also got a promotion at work.

Of course I still had problems, but it felt like there was some movement in my favor.

And now I feel I have nothing. First, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I’m still adjusting to it and trying to make better choices.  Then, a couple of months ago I made some poor financial decisions. They weren’t catastrophic, but didn’t put me in the best position.

The big thing is that my promotion got pulled out from under me.  The owners decided they didn’t want the position after all.  And since my replacement for my previous job has been working here for months, I am out.  I worked here for the last three years and I’m out a week after my anniversary.  My boss gave me a little time to try and find a job, but so far, no fruit has been born of it.  I had one job interview two days ago and it turned out to be a scam.

Then last week my car broke down. No word on when it will be fixed or how much it will cost.

At this point it isn’t a celebration; it’s a wake.

So here I am, looking at my life. And what is it all for?  I’ve no job, no wife, no kids.  I’ve accomplished nothing of note.  I have no options that I can see.  I’m just lucky I have a place to live and that I won’t starve.

But even filled with despair and lacking options, I have no choice but to go on. 

I can’t just sit in my room watching television.  So I’m preparing a list of daily goals for myself.

• Apply for jobs every day.

• Learn something.

• Write every day.

• Take photos.

• Exercise.

• Diet.

• Keep a video diary.

I have to keep going.  Not because I want to… I don’t.  But like everything else in my life, I have no choice.